I have to admit, that despite having the best intentions, even with a ‘flop proof’ recipe (or cake mix), Divorced Gal is (sigh) not the best baker. Despite this, with lots of love and effort, I’ve whipped up some pretty edible goodies in my time (my kids have certainly been impressed anyway). Like any wanna-be chef, I’ve of course had several flops. Even when I thought that I had mixed everything up according to the directions, I’ve been disappointed at the result and have had to use tons of additional icing to disguise large cracks and craters in my cakes (which has impressed my kids even more – wooooooh hooooooo, sugar high). Of course, I never intend for my recipes to flop, but sometimes for no obvious reason, they just do.
And it’s the same with Life! It’s a mysterious thing, that like a cake recipe, we all do our best to try and get just right. I think it’s because we are brain-washed from small about how our happy life should look. So we source what we think we need for our fucking fairytale recipe and may have even managed to gather all the listed ingredients that we are supposed to have – (right husband, dog, cat, job, personal instructor, group of friends), but it’s like you dare not have the audacity to think to yourself, ‘Hey, I got stuff pretty well figured out and my life is rockin’!’ No, no, no!!!
You think your cake is gonna bake, honey don’t make that daft mistake. Just when you think you’ve mixed it well – abracadabra you start to smell ……burning!!!!
Not so long ago, I felt satisfied with my life, smug about my marriage and was gasp…..happy!!! But, I suddenly found myself on Life’s version of a sticky mixture between ‘The Hunger Games’ and ‘Master Chef’! It was like suddenly being told that I had to bake a perfect cake to save my marriage, with no recipe or cake mix in sight.
I was pretty much screwed!, and Life, the star of the show, was cast as a hungry toddler (by the sadistic Director, Grande Universo aka The Universe) with a keen sense of smell, who sniffed out my freshly baked sweetly/happy cake, a mile away. And silly me…..I left it unattended, because I thought that I was done and that I could settle back and enjoy and dare I say…. EVEN win.
After all my hard work to follow the ‘I got all my shit together’ recipe, suddenly instead of the winning cake that I thought I had produced, I was left with just crumbs, and Life was licking the plate clean. The cake was of course my marriage, (Note to animal lovers – the dog and cat were fine and Divorced Gal never has had a personal trainer).
Before my marriage fell apart, I was convinced that I had paid all my dues. I naïvely thought that I had experienced enough shit and that The Universe, Life, and my Guardian angel, unanimously agreed.
I was always told that when one goes through any ordeal, it helps to build character. You’ve been told this too, I’ll bet! Well, I was pretty smug about all the character that I had accumulated, because I had gone through some hectic stuff in my life and had survived. I was actually pretty smug..…full stop. I believed that I would be the proud recipient of, happily ever after with my darling spouse and that diiiiivooooorce happens to other people.
‘Shame’ I used to smugly say (cringe!!), when I heard of someone’s marriage ending. ‘Poor you’…..’I understand’………..followed with (more cringing)….an understanding hug!
I understood shit!!! I feel like I owe all those people that I thought I was empathising with, about their divorces, a big, fat apology!! Nothing but nothing that I had survived up to that point, could even remotely compare to the absolute devastation that was coming. I was not at all prepared by any previous tragedy to witness my marriage being sped off in a big black hearse to the morgue, with Life whose tummy was full of my cake, driving.
I think the greater power that rules our world, took my once triumphant, holier than thou attitude and sense of having sooooo much character and a winning cake, as a fucking challenge.
It was like, my guardian angel was bored and hungry one day, spotted me and thought ‘shit, I know!!! Lemme have some fun with Smuggy. Let me give this gal some more character, she thinks she is done baking? HA!! I’ll show her! Oh Liiiiiiiife’
And boy oh boy, one minute, there I was, with all my fucking character, decorating and admiring my bloody cake, and the next, my guardian angel, was having a feast on it with Life at the marriage cemetery.
That’s how it felt when I realised that my marriage had no future….it was like my cake was gone after all my hard work.
The clock ticking…the watching crowds on my reality show ‘Evil hungry Master Chef games’, chanting “bake time, bake time”……..wake up Divorced Gal!!!!
I was utterly shocked, that I wasn’t immune to more bad in my life. This may sound strange and obvious, but for me, I was consumed with terror at that realisation. WTF, I was supposed to be finished with pain. I didn’t want more, why was that not a good enough reason!???
I didn’t have the flop proof recipe that I thought that I did and there would be no happy ending in my marriage.
Starting to bake again, after you thought that you were ready to let the ‘Master Chef’ judge’s taste and that maybe you would even win the competition, takes a shit load of desire and energy. And when you feel humiliated and drained, you wonder how you are going to start all over and come up with something that resembles the cake that you want to be your life – sweet, appealing, just right!
So here I am. I’m still a shit baker. In fact, I’ve stopped altogether cause life is too short and I now believe in buying ready-made cakes. I’ve learned a lot from the road I’ve travelled on, to this point. I’ve learned that there is no such thing as having your full quota of crap. There’s sadly always more to be dished out for all of us. I’ve learned that, despite the crap, we have to try our damndest to live in the moment and enjoy the cake on our plate, because we never know what is round the corner – good or bad, flop or success.
But most of all, I’ve learned that even when things don’t turn out as we hoped and planned, that there is always, always another chance to hope again and to plan again, and that even if you are not a fabulous baker, there ain’t nothing wrong with plan B – yummy cake from the bakery!
Wishing all you brave ones only the sweetest treats in life! And cake…lots of great cake!!!!
Divorced Gal xxx