Today I made a massive decision. I decided that I want to reclaim my life and change my attitude from feeling like shit, to feeling like me again (not sure who that is anymore) and resume living my life.
Actually, it’s not accurate to say that I came to this conclusion today, because I did not just wake up this morning and have a revelation….getting to this point has taken me nearly one and a half years…..of being lost, feeling broken and gut wrenchingly crawling to this place….where I feel like I need to stop grieving for the loss of my marriage…..
I stood looking at my face in the mirror and what hit me, is that I am tired of seeing such sad eyes. I have cried so many tears, that I may as well have shares in a tissue factory. Every time, I’ve thought, ‘hey Gal, you got this, no more tears’, the roller-coaster car that I’ve been occupying, has suddenly picked up speed and plummeted me back down to the place I can only describe as ‘Shit-ville’. Simply put, Shit-ville is the zone where there is no light, no hope, lots of balling..….and of course…. I feel like shit!
In many ways, I no longer recognize myself, I began my journey, through absolute fire, when my marriage exploded and I am certainly not the same Gal that I was before. How could I be?…..There are many things that I see in my face these days…..lack of sleep (to put it mildly), disillusion (big time), pain ( a shit load)…..all in all, not a good look! But today, for the first time in a long time, as I ritualistically lengthened my lashes with mascara, I spotted a little flicker of hope in my eyes. How did that get there, I asked myself? I wasn’t sure exactly, but I felt like I was reacquainting with a dear old friend (myself), and this encouraged me to add a drop more blusher than usual and see if I still remembered how to smile.
My mouth area felt, like it’s been starring in the Disney movie ‘Frozen’ and I know for sure that singing about building a fucking snowman or singing anything at all, has not been part of my daily routine.
Instead, I’ve had my whole head buried in snow, trying to deny my new reality and unsuccessfully attempting to numb the aching throb in my ever ticking brain.
I cannot take all the credit for ‘todays’ decision, but I do feel a strange pride in it. I have a small army of dear, dear friends and family who have literally dragged me, often kicking, screaming, wailing and usually cursing (leave me the fuck alone biatches)to this point. When I didn’t know how I would survive the next five minutes, never-mind, the whole day in Shit-ville, I always had one or more of these relentless cheerleaders telling me that I could ‘do it’ and that the chapter I have been the leading lady in would end.
I’ll tell you, I mostly didn’t believe them, but I have clutched onto to their words with everything I have.
So, here I am, bravely, unbuckling my seatbelt from this non-joy ride and getting the fuck off this roller-coaster. I am now going to do everything I can to find peace in my life and to find some joy once more. I know for sure, that I deserve it. If I do not become my own hero and save myself from that shitty place, who on earth will? YOU got this Divorced Gal!!
Good-bye Shit-ville!! It has NOT been a pleasure but it sure has been an eye opener and I bought a precious gift at your souvenir store……RESILIENCE!!
Love and Strength to me (& all of you beautiful, brave souls reading this),